He Packs My Lunch
An honest reflection on gender roles in a Christ-centered marriage
I married Adam on July 1, 2022. We’ve been married for almost 300 days (298 today, to be exact). That really feels like an accomplishment in today’s culture and if I had known then what I know now, I would’ve married him the day I met him.
To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect in the months leading up to marrying Adam. It felt like we had really only seen marriage displayed in one extreme or the other: a whirlwind, dancing-in-the-kitchen romance straight from a rom-com or the grinding, depressing, lackluster marriages that seemed to surround us.
I realized in the months leading up to our wedding that there wasn’t much inspiration in the marriages around us. There weren’t many married couples that I could look at and honestly say, “I want that. They are getting it right and I want to learn from them.” This realization, as well as the overwhelmingly negative opinions being shared with us about how hard it would be, made me feel really anxious about what to expect. It bothered me that it didn’t seem like many people around us had a healthy marriage that we could look at as a beacon for where we wanted to go.
I didn’t see what I thought I should see in marriages centered on Christ. Now, 298 days married, I can truly say that our marriage is unbearably beautiful, fun, sharpening, sanctifying, and glorifying to the Lord—and really, really different from most of those around us.
This thought really came full circle the other day as I watched Adam pack my lunch. Let me explain.
I don’t see too many husbands packing lunch for their wives. Or washing the dishes. Or doing the laundry. Or sweeping the floor. Or cleaning the bathroom. Or cooking the dinner. In the hundreds of marriages that surround us in ministry and in church, particularly in those older than us, I don’t see or hear about the husband doing many of the tasks that Adam and I share. Why is that?
From observation, prayer, reading, and experience the best guess I can make is because somewhere along the way, those tasks were deemed the wife’s sole responsibility. Why? Because the tradition of gender roles in marriage suggests that the husband is the provider and the wife is the homemaker. Now, before I make any of you mad, this is NOT a shot at the “traditional” roles of marriage or a post rooted in a feminist agenda. Rather, this is my honest reflection of what marriage is supposed to be - as explained by God (not the opinions of you or the history of tradition).
Everything that I’ve read and studied in Scripture (and experienced in these 298 days) says that when Adam and I got married, two became one. It also says that Adam is the head of the household (aka our family) and should love me as Christ loved the Church (so much that He died for it). My role is to respect and submit to Adam out of my obedience to Christ. This is the premise of Ephesians 5:22-33. Both of us are called to die to ourselves as we serve and love the other.
And, from what I can tell, the Church lost or misinterpreted the meaning of those roles somewhere along the way (as we often do). So, I am writing this in the hopes that there is a young, soon-to-be bride who is questioning her role, expectations, and the opinions of others as she prepares for her wedding day. Or maybe for a wife who has been faithfully married for 20+ years and is questioning her role a little. I hope you find this encouraging, centering, and refreshingly transparent.
Adam packs my lunch. He also washes the dishes. And helps with laundry, chores, yard work, car maintenance, budgeting, cleaning. He doesn’t do any of those things as a “gift” to me or to “help me out” because those are responsibilities that we share, not ones that only belong to me. Our goal in our marriage is to emulate Ephesians 5:22-33 to the glory of the Lord. The best way we can do that is be on the same team and always try to out-serve each other.
I know that when Adam decides to cook dinner or grocery shop or do the dishes, he is doing so sacrificially and because he loves me. He’s not too proud or important for those tasks and he willingly jumps in because we are on the same team. The same way he knows that when I cook dinner or grocery shop or do the dishes, I am doing so sacrificially and because I love him. It’s that simple. This means that when we serve each other or step into a place of sacrifice, it brings life and joy into the other. Our marriage is life-giving, sacrificial, hard, joyful, and so beautiful. I can’t imagine spending my days with anyone else. And you know what else? My respect and admiration for Adam has only grown throughout these 298 days.
I see Jesus in him and I hope He sees Jesus in me, too. And that’s the way God designed it; to model and display the beautiful relationship between Jesus and His bride, the Church. May our marriages, in all their imperfect mess, bring glory to the Lord and make people want to follow Jesus.
“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:32-33
