Being small.
I recently had an epiphany. A true, honest-to-God, earth-shattering epiphany and, as always, I wanted to share it with you.
I’m currently experiencing a season of transformation. I know that God wants to do something new in my life and in order to do that, He needs to move some things around and get rid of a few things altogether. I was recently discussing this with one of my friends and while I was stumbling through how to describe what I’m working through I said, “I make myself smaller in every room that I’m in to make everyone else more comfortable.”
That singular phrase hit me with so much truth and force that I couldn’t think about anything else for days. The more I thought about it, the stronger the desire became to write freely and to share it (because that is just how I process things). Maybe, like me, you’ve developed a habit of becoming small to make others more comfortable. Maybe, like me, you’ve had a lot of people misunderstand you, belittle you, or act condescending towards you due to age, experience, gender, their own insecurities, etc. I hope that these words land in your soul and release a new season of freedom in your life like they have mine.
I don’t want to make myself smaller to make the people around me more comfortable.
I don’t want to shrink my opinions, convictions, observations, or talents to pacify people who are intimidated by me.
I don’t want to apologize or minimize the gifts God has given me in order to make people feel less insecure.
I don’t want to compromise on who God has asked me and called me to be to pacify people in the same room.
But, the truth is, I do. I do these things all the time.
I make myself smaller in every room that I’m in to make the people around me more comfortable.
I do this all the time.
I do this when I feel the need to speak and remain quiet.
I do this when I know someone is wrong and don’t correct them.
I do this when I feel like people are intimidated by my gifts and I say, “I’d just be happy to clean the toilets.”
The truth is, I would be happy to clean toilets and the truth is, God knows that.
But do you know what else is true?
There is nothing I can say or do to make people understand me if they are set on misunderstanding me.
People who are insecure will always pick you apart to avoid confronting their own insecurities.
People who want to misunderstand you don’t need a reason.
I’ve been small all my life; yearning and striving to make sure everyone around me feels bigger.
I’ve spent 29 years, in some capacity or another, shrinking to fit expectations, demands, desires, traditions.
But I’ve realized that there are so many other things I’d rather be than small.
I want to be a person of integrity.
I want to be passionate.
I want to be authentic.
I want to be joyful.
I want to be compassionate.
I want to be fearless.
I want to be gracious.
I want to be honorable.
I will be so many things other than small.
