Forgiving When They Don’t Apologize
“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?” Matthew 5:44-46
If I am being honest, I am writing this more for myself than anyone else. Writing helps me process and in this case, I hope it will help me forgive.
I’ve been walking through a situation I feel like we all have experienced at one time or another - forgiving someone who doesn’t apologize. I have been asking God, What do I do? How do I move forward if they are not sorry? How can I forgive someone when there is no clear resolution? In this case, I don’t really have the option of removing myself from this situation or these people, so that leaves me to work through it and find some way to live with it.
Forgiveness is hard no matter what. We are a prideful people who do not enjoy admitting when we are wrong. This is why so many of our apologies are followed with a “but…” or an excuse for our behavior. But forgiveness is a commandment from God, which means we have two choices: obey God’s command and extend forgiveness or walk in disobedience. I’ve walked in disobedience before and it is not fun. 10 out of 10 do not recommend. So…here I am, trying to process and obey.
This morning I spent time asking God for direction, help, and peace. I turned to the Bible for some clarity and stumbled upon this passage from Jesus in Matthew 5, “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?”
I tried to flip the page and find something that didn’t step on my toes as much. No luck. I didn’t want a passage that convicted ME. I wanted evidence and proof that my feelings are valid, that I am right, that I deserve an apology. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth.
Those words sting. Those words make me angry. Those words frustrate me. But…if I believe Jesus is who He says He is, then those words are also true. I haven’t been obeying this command at all. It’s not that my feelings or offense isn’t valid, it is. It’s not as simple as “just forgive and forget.” My feelings have been deeply hurt. I have valid frustrations and concerns. It’s in my nature to want resolution and peace. I always want to communicate, clear the air, and find a way to work through things…but sometimes that really isn’t possible. Sometimes people don’t recognize that their actions are hurtful or unhealthy. Sometimes they do recognize that and just don’t want to apologize or change. Either way, it begs the question, “how do we forgive those who aren’t sorry?”
I think Jesus makes it painfully clear: love them and pray for them. Easier said than done, I should know, but simple enough.
I’ve found that God usually knows what He’s talking about. It is no coincidence that as I began praying for this situation and those involved, I immediately felt a little more freedom and a little less bitterness. I was reminded, as I prayed for them, that God has forgiven me for so, so much. I am drowning in His grace, mercy, and forgiveness. So, who am I to hold onto forgiveness with my fists clenched tight handing it out whenever I feel justified? I prayed that He would help me forgive and help them see that their actions are hurtful, even if that is not their intention. I prayed for peace, for them and for me. I prayed for their healing, their hearts, and their relationship with God to become stronger. I prayed for forgiveness for myself and I asked God to keep me humbly submitted to His authority.
I can’t commit to walking through this situation or ones in the future that will inevitably arise perfectly, but I can commit to practicing those two things: to love and to pray. I know, just from the short time I’ve prayed this morning, that the key to freedom is here. It is in our response, not theirs. It is in how I choose to walk through this hard situation. It’s found in my desire to love and obey Christ more than I desire to be right or justified.
I don’t know about you but I truly feel a little better already. I know that I can’t be the only one who has experienced forgiving someone who isn’t sorry. Forgiveness is messy and hard, but it is good. Wouldn’t I know? I’ve received more of it from my heavenly Father than I could ever deserve.
